“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
i wish i could marry a nap
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met