Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]