My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
CUTE CAT‼︎
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years