ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.