No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You Might Also Like
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Bike is short for Bichael.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*