I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
How about daylight saves us for once
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
No laws when master is gone
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*