*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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🦝🔥🦝🔥
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.