The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Smells like a challenge to me
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir