I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?