Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.