“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Worst perfume name ever.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m being attacked 😭
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.