After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT