Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You Might Also Like
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Pee pressure > peer pressure
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?