Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.