Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days