“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You Might Also Like
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit