Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.