My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.