99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance