“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?