5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.