My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments