I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I need this for my side hustle.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens