Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Lmao
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.