I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you