Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Every time my phone rings
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead