You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
mom had nothing to worry about
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
road rage
True.