Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.