Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape