Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.