I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
You Might Also Like
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull