Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me