Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When someone says you are so lazy
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
sigh
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it