Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
lmfao come on
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
man: wait
time: no
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.