She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
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If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.