What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Not recommended for beginners.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.