I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
WWE is French for “yes”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.