Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
When the stylist spins you back around
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.