VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You Might Also Like
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.