If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Cake safety first. Always.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
man: wait
time: no
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.