my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”