Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.