Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women