Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Knock Knock
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Aight bet
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
no one ever comes back
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.