Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If you’re testing me, we failed.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.