WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You Might Also Like
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him