I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
You Might Also Like
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
#parenting
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol