Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
bout dat hot dog summer
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭