There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Friends that check up on you >
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.