howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Harsh but fair
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.